Procrastinating and Waiting

I've not been writing much of my book lately, to the disappointment of myself and many friends and family members who are obsessed with it.

I've been concentrating more on crafty things, I've been crocheting a lot more and l find that when I have other creative outlets I don't write as much.

I've also been reading a lot of books, well listening to them. I listen to audio books while I craft. Lately I've been getting into Sherrilyn Kenyon's Dark-Hunter series and have to say I'm LOVING THEM....though I do find that I begin to channel authors writing styles when I write if I don't leave a gap between reading books and writing mine. I've been told I'd make a good ghost writer. I don't mean to do it but it just happens. I'm also like that with accents. When my best friend Lauren and I speak on the phone (Lauren is in the UK) she tells me I end up speaking like her by the end of the conversation, and for days afterward I have people asking me how long I've been living in Australia! To which I answer 'All my life' and they look confused lol

I have been trying to MAKE myself write lately, which doesn't work well for me. Usually I have to wait until I get inspired, then the words just flow without my having to really consciously think about them. When I try to make myself, I usually have to read a few chapters of my book to get into the mind set again, then I usually get more stuck into editing rather than progressing the story.

I was thinking the other day, trying to work out how many hours I've spent on my book total up to this point and it would have to be at least 200 hours, that's the equivalent of over a week solid, writing 24/7, and I'm probably underestimating....though I do type fairly fast.

So, instead of writing lately I've been procrastinating. I've read that some authors treat writing as a job, they set hours and stick to them. I really wish that would work for me.
I still keep a notebook in my handbag for when I get ideas, but that happens so seldom these days it makes my heart ache lol.

I have been getting ideas for other story's which is frustrating me also, as I want to finish Open Secret first!

Alright, I think I'm off now to see if I can force myself to write.

Wish me luck! xoxox

Facebook disabling my friend's account = LOW ACT

My good friend, Nicole, woke up the other morning and found her facebook account had been disabled, this also meant her business page was not accessible. Being an at home mother, this business is something she has put a lot of effort into and relies on for entertainment and a little extra spending money.

At 4am, Thursday 27th May 2010, she received 4 emails about some of her photo's being reported by users as 'inappropriate or in some way offensive'. By 4:15am her account was disabled.

She wasn't even given an opportunity to appeal, or any warning that the account was to be disabled. She's working on the theory, at the moment, that a rival 'at home' business woman, whom Nicole has had some issue with as she appears to be copying Nicole's product, has reported her photo's out of spite - in order to get her kicked off facebook and be left the only person selling these items.

I think this policy of facebook's to disable first and ask questions later is extremely excluding. They are upsetting their clients for heaven's sake. What should happen is that a warning be sent, for whatever reason they are considering disabling your account, and you have 5 days to respond with action to fix the issue or make a good enough argument to suspend their action.

A zero tollerance policy doesn't work for a social networking site.

Nicole believes the photo's that were reported were of her children, in the shower together. Now I've seen these photo's, there were no 'bits' showing in any of them. Her son's naked bottom was showing in one but nothing more than that. I didn't find them offensive at all, it was siblings playing in the shower together, something I'd likely see if I were at her house myself at bath time. Her account is set so that only friends can view photo's, so these photo's are NOT being shown to the general public and, therefore, not accessible to any paedophile trawling the internet for pictures of naked/semi naked children.

I, myself, have friends on my facebook page who have photo's of themselves with their asses hanging out, wearing g-string bikini's, yet these images are classified as 'appropriate'? How does that make sense? An adult ass is going to be more widely sexually objectified than a child's naked rear end. Paedophiles are common place these days but are not as common as we all like to make out. I think it'd be something like 1 in 1000 people will have had inappropriate thoughts about a child in their life and only 1 in 100,000 will actually act on it. Where as I guarantee 1 in 3 people have inappropriate thoughts about my friend in the g-string bikini and 100% of those would act on those thoughts given the chance!

The fact is, children showering together is an innocent act, and my friend should not be punished for wanting to share this lovely event with her friends just because there are a small amount of sicko's out there that would objectify it  - yet she is.

Shame on you Facebook, SHAME!

Stay strong Nic, I love you!

Wow, I have wonderful friends....

I went to meet my friend Nicole at a shopping centre today, to have a coffee and for her to give me a birthday card as it's my birthday on Tuesday, the 6th.

When I arrived she gave me my card, in an envelope, and told her daughter, who was with her, that she expected me to scream.

This is my card's envelope

The Front of the card - Pretty frangipani's!:

What was inside my card.....

She and a few friends of mine had chipped in and paid $160 off my mobile so all I had to do was go and pay the $14.10 and get it off layby! Which is exactly what I did

So now I have my phone!!! 

I have to give a big Thank-you to Nicole & Shane, Nadia, Stacey, Tara and Lisa for chipping in to pay it off. I can't express just how much it meant to me to know you all chipped in. I didn't scream, but I was so shocked and moved when I saw that so much of it had been paid off I cried! They were happy tears, of course. It made me feel loved and that people really do care for me. I often have times where I feel as though I'm all alone, but from now, on when I feel that way, I'll remember today and know I'm loved and cared for.

Once again, Thank-you guys. ♥♥

Off to play with my new phone now....yay. hehehe

New phone after all....

I was at Big W today, buying more wool for my crocheting, and decided to take my mate Nicole's advice and layby myself a Nokia E63. They're on special for $199 at the moment so I paid $21.90 deposit and layby fee.

Now I've just got to find the cash to pay it off. With my car rego and service due soon, Kaleb's birthday and not to mention a bunch of activities that are going to weigh heavily on my purse strings, I've got no idea how I'm going to pay it off on time. I should get some money from my Step-Mother for my birthday, if the past few years can be anything to go by, and maybe from my Mum too - but she's not talking to me at the moment so I'm not holding my breath. If I do get birthday cash then I shouldn't have too much more to pay off it after that.

Will update on the progress, if there is any lol.

I'm going to buy a cover for it off ebay now, it's like $3, so I'm giving myself more incentive to get it off layby. No use having a Nokia E63 case if I don't have the phone to match right?!

Yay, My laptop finally arrived - but goodbye to a friend

Last year, back in June, I purchased a netbook laptop, it was an HP Mininote 1001TU

When I turned it on for the first time it didn't ask me to register windows or anything, which I thought was odd, but it was working so I let it be. I also noticed it was registered in someone else's name but there wasn't much I could do about that either, except change the account name. Which is what I did.

Seven months on, it started to play up. Freezing all the time and taking forever to load. No amount of De-fraging or disk cleanup fixed the problem so I went to do a system restore point and found one for as far back as May 2nd 2009. So that, to me, said it had been sold before, returned and repackaged then sold to me as a new product, which it clearly was not. I then located the warranty booklet and found the previous owner had written the registration details on the back of it. This was further proof to me that it  wasn't a new product when I bought it.

So I took it back to the retailer and asked for a refund, first checking with The Department of Fair Trading (DoFT), to make sure I was in the right asking for a refund, and I was, so off I went.

The manager on duty I spoke to was rude and unhelpful. Acted like it was my fault not his and refused to refund my money, said they could only send it off for a service after 'this length of time'. He really made me feel like I was scum and just looking to get a new laptop...when I was asking for a refund not a replacement.

Anyway I went away from the encounter,shaking, and called DoFT back and asked them what I could do now. They suggested I make a formal complaint, including all the evidence I had, which is what I did.

After 3 weeks and a bit of phone tag, I finally got the call that I could take my laptop back and get a refund!

With the money I got back I immediately purchased a replacement laptop from Dell, online. I also got a belkin wireless router and Wasabi printer, photo's below...

I'm stoked I've got it now! I love the colour, it turned out to be a much darker purple than I thought it would be which is great. Oh and I also got the little wireless mouse that's on top of the laptop in the photo.

It's been charging since 2pm so I can turn it on and play with it in just 2 more hours! YAY

Now comes the sadness. A friend has left to move interstate. I'm going to miss her and her gorgeous kids, especially Anisiia. I adore that kid of hers! I hope she finds a more stable life and good friends down there to help support her. I'll be visiting as soon as I can manage it and can't wait to meet her new baby later in the year!

xxxx Good Luck Nadia!

No new phone.

For whatever reason, probably my previous bankruptcy, I was declined the mobile.

Apparently I'll recieve a letter in the mail within 10-14 business days informing me as to why I was declined.

So helpful that is, NOT.

To make me even more depressed I got home to find that whilst I was wasting my time applying for a mobile I can't have, a courier tried to deliver my laptop 3 days early! So now, I don't have a new mobile to play with OR my new laptop.

Pissed off......

Really pissed off.

Seems this bankruptcy is going to hang over my head for the REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!

Plus, my doctor is no closer to finding out what is wrong with me. My blood tests are still WAY out of whack and she's not happy at all so I'm off to get a Chest CT now.

So in the past 8 months I'll have had :

4 MRI's

4 X rays

 and 2 CT scans

Not to count how many times I've been under the fluoroscope thing.
I'm surprised I'm not glowing in the dark.

I am starting to feel like a pin cushion though :(
Really not fun. Feeling quite sorry for myself at the moment and all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep.

PS I know there are people out there who have it a billion times worse than I do...but you know what? I'm not living their lives, I'm living mine, so my problems are HUGE to me and I won't be made to feel otherwise.

So fuck you all very much, keep you criticisms to yourselves! xxxx

New Phone?

In 2006 I had to declare bankruptcy due to overwhelming debt. It was a choice of voluntarily declaring bankruptcy or ending up in court being forced to, with or without jail time. So I chose to do it voluntarily. Sure, I could have staved off any court action for another 6 months or so, but it would have come eventually and I just couldn't live with all the stress of debt collectors calling, emailing and sending letters constantly asking for money I didn't have to give them and still be able to feed, clothe and house myself and my son so I bit the bullet.

Because it was voluntary and my debts were under $10,000 in total my bankruptcy period was only 3 years. I believe if it were over 10 grand and I was forced, legally, into it then it would have been 7 years. I think it also helped that I didn't have any assets as they see them. Eg, no cars, boats, mortgage or large purchases made on credit that they could repossess. I got to keep everything I had and because I haven't worked (not from lack of trying mind you) I didn't have to make any payments towards my debts during my 3 year bankruptcy period.

These days I've become very efficient at living within my means. I budget well, my household bills are paid in advance. Usually when my bills arrive they all say 'amount in credit $' and then 'no payment required' which is great. I wouldn't say I'm rolling in cash but I do have a better grip on what I do get. I make sure everything is paid when it should be and even have money left over now and again to spend on myself and my son and I've started a savings account, for the first time in my life.

I said a long time ago that I'd never get another mobile phone on a plan, 2 of my main debts on my bankruptcy were mobile phone plans, but I've seen a phone I adore on a $29 cap plan. I'd get this phone below...

Blackberry Curve 8520

and only have to pay $29 a month for 2 years to own it outright, and I'm pretty sure I can upgrade it to a newer model half way through that contract. As things stand now I get a $29 pre-paid cap for the mobile I have every month and usually have $20-$30 left over when it expires.

Seeing as I already budget in the $29 per month for my pre-paid mobile, I don't see it being a problem coming up with the $29 for my capped plan. It gives me $150 worth of credit per month to use, the same as my pre-paid cap does, I just get a new phone in the bargain.

I have been "umming" and 'Ahhhing' over it for 2 days now and have come to the decision to give it a go. There's no guarantee I'll even be approved for it though, seeing as I have my bankruptcy against my credit rating, but it can't hurt to try. If I am denied I'll purchase it outright in a few months time and continue on with my $29 pre-paid cap as usual.

Will update when I've given it a go and let you know the verdict.

Wish me luck

Gorgeous Girl

I had the privilege of looking after a friend's daughter for just over 24 hours, from Wed 5pm till Thursday 6pm. Her name is Anisiia (Aniss-ee-ah).

We went shopping yesterday (Thursday) and had a ball! I've never taken a 'normal' 2 year old shopping before, only ever my son, whom you will know has ADHD and ASD if you keep up with my blog, so it was quite an eye opening experience. Where I would avoid taking Kaleb to the shops for any reason, or for any longer than need be when he was 2, I found Anisiia was a breeze to take. She got a little whiny when I wouldn't let her out of the trolly to walk around but got over that quickly when we bought new shoes. If that were Kaleb he'd have been squirming, pulling at the belt, screaming at the top of his lungs and nothing would have distracted him from having a full on melt down.

For a while now I've been saying I'm not going to have any more children, even though I really would like a little girl, for the simple fact of not knowing if I could handle having Kaleb with all his issues and a nweborn/toddler around as well. Sometimes Kaleb is enough of a handful to put me off wanting children at all, even him! lol
I have to admit that he was excellent with Anisiia while she was here. He calmed her down when she was upset, fetched her what she wanted when she asked and even when I asked, without immediately asking 'why?' or just saying 'noooo' flat out. He really rose to the challenge of being a temporary big brother and even told me that 'having Anisiia around helped him become a better parent' lol. I think more of a big brother is appropriate but he really was excellent, which leads me to believe that maybe all he needs is a sibling in order for him to mature, become an 'older brother' and have the maturity and responsibility that entails.


At the moment he's an only child, so he only has to deal with me. He's my eldest and my baby all at once. I think if he had a little sister he would grow up considerably.

So this experience with Anisiia has taught me that perhaps I can handle having 2 children at once. I was quite proud of myself really. Everyone managed to get fed on time, I had both kids fed, bathed, dressed and in bed before 8:30pm! Anisiia went down at around 6:30-7pm and I let Kaleb stay up a little longer, because he's older, but had him down in bed at 8.
In the morning both kids were breakfasted, changed (Kaleb for school, Anisiia for our day out) and Kaleb got off to school on time! Having Anisiia around didn't fluster me, I didn't feel overwhelmed or stressed at all. But like I said, Kaleb really was on his best behaviour... I don't think I could expect that all the time, even if I did have another. He'd still have meltdowns. OMG imagine if they both had meltdowns at the same time! Imagine a newborn needing a feed and Kaleb having a tantrum over not wanting to do his homework.....starting to see my dilemma?

I had thought of waiting until Kaleb was around 15/16 and then he'd be only a few years off being out of home and I could have another then, when his issues aren't at home on a daily basis any more, but I'll be 36 by the time he's 16 so by then I might be thinking 'I'm FREE, why do I want another baby now!?'

I don't think I could be satisfied with my life if I didn't have another child, I say child but I really want a girl. I've had a boy, now I want a girl to complete my pigeon pair. Not that I wouldn't love any son I had equally, I'd just be a little disappointed at first is all lol. Not to mention I don't think I could handle 2 special needs children. I'm barely surviving having Kaleb, so what if I have another child with ADHD and/or ASD? There's no guarantee that Shannon was solely responsible for that genetic material, it's only speculated that boys inherit it from their fathers, not proven evidence. I may carry the ADHD and/or ASD gene and only need my partner to carry it also to get another child who is afflicted.

Who knows how it works. All I know is that I don't want to do it again, that's another reason behind wanting a girl so badly. Boys are four to nine times more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than girls and boys are four times more likely to have ASD than girls, so whilst having girl isn't 100% the safest option to get a child not afflicted by ADHD/ASD, it does seem to have better odds. There's also the fact that I've been-there-done-that with a boy in general. I want a new challenge and having a girl would be completely out of my 'comfort zone'.

I, personally, had a heap of fun shopping with Anisiia. She's chatty, affectionate and in general an awesome kid to hang out with. She's also very helpful which I find as a bonus coz Kaleb would fake his own death to get out of doing a chore! If I could clone her, I would. But I'll just have to settle for having one of my own in a few years time. Let's see if I am still writing this blog when that time comes around. I'll blog about how I'm going, what I'm doing to try and ensure I have a girl etc.

Hopefully along the way I'll lose all this weight I have left to lose (50kg odd) and find myself a good man who also wants kids.

Wish me luck on both those fronts!

WIN!

About 2 weeks ago I got the following email:

Hi Cassi,

I’m proud to inform you that your Spinach and Ricotta Rolls recipe won the 4 Ingredients by Silverstone competition for February.

You have won a 4 Ingredients by SilverStone prize pack containing: 1 x 4 Ingredients by SilverStone Easy Grip N Chop 4 Piece Knife Set, 1 x 4 Ingredients by SilverStone Wok & Toss Stirfry Set and 1 x 4 Ingredients by SilverStone Essentials Cook & Create 4 Piece Cookware Set.

Could you please confirm a delivery address and contact number so that delivery can be organised for next week. Delivery is via courier on a weekday, and it is best if you or someone you know is at the address at the time of delivery.

Thanks

Scott Peters

Marketing Co-Ordinator

Meyer Cookware Australia Pty Ltd

This is what I won

So, I guess you are all wondering if you can have my now "Prize Winning Recipe" ..sure you can!

Here it is

Spinach and Ricotta Rolls

2-3 bunches of spinach, de-stemmed and washed

2 cloves of garlic, crushed

500g Ricotta Cheese

2 sheets of Puff Pastry

2-3 tbs Worcestershire sauce 

Salt and pepper to taste

Method

Pre-heat oven to 180C (160C Fan-Forced), line a baking tray with baking paper and place 2 sheets of pastry on the bench to thaw as you cook.

Heat a fry-pan with a little oil or butter/marg and add the spinach leaves and garlic.

Cook spinach until wilted, pouring off excess liquid as you go.

Set aside to cool, squeeze off excess moisture then give it all a good chop with a knife.

Place ricotta into a bowl and break apart with a spoon/fork.

Add the cooled spinach, Worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper and mix to combine.

Place the ricotta mix along the length of the pastry at one end, about the same thickness as a sausage.

Roll over to cover with the pastry. Cut the sheet where it just meets, leaving 5-8mm overlap and pressing to seal.

Repeat for all pastry. You should be able to get 2 rolls from each sheet of pastry

Now that you have your long rolls, just cut them up to the size you desire. In half for a large serve, adult size, or 2-3cm for bit-sized pieces.

Place on the baking sheets, brush with milk or melted butter

Bake for 20-30 mins or until pastry is golden and puffed

Serve with tomato sauce or plain.

I love my new cookware, it makes cooking so much easier! With my old fry pan, pots etc I had to always have the stove element on medium high just to cook properly, with this lot of cookware I only need it on low to cook efficiently! It's like it spreads the heat more evenly so therefore I can cook more efficiently. Not to mention the knives are all SUPER sharp! It's awesome.

I hope someone gives my recipe and go. If you do please leave a comment as to whether you liked it or not!

A little about me

I've decided to make a blog that's for me, about me and my life. Kind of an online diary I suppose. I don't keep a journal or diary and haven't done so in many years. I've had issues with people honouring my privacy so a while back I decided that I just couldn't have privacy and/or secrets. This lead to my decision to just live my life open and out there. I don't keep secrets, I don't play mind games or manipulate (to be honest, I'm no good at it so I don't bother trying). I try not to lie, though those little white lies always creep in, and I don't appreciated anyone who does any of the things I abhor, mentioned above. I don't suffer fools, I'm practical and straight forward. You will never be in any doubt as to what I'm thinking or feeling at any time. If you can't handle me, then I don't need you in my life.

Oh and I also don't make friends easily, mainly because I expect friendship to be an equal exchange and most of the "friendships" I've experienced in my life to date have been very one sided, mostly with the heavy lifting residing on my shoulders.

Don't mistake me either, I don't say all these things then turn around and expect others to behave the same, or even differently. I realise life isn't black and white, it's many shades of grey, but in saying that I won't let myself be used, put down or disrespected. I will cut ties completely with someone who treats me that way, without a backward glance no matter how invested I once thought I was. I feel that this attitude is the only way for me to tackle my life, it makes my life simpler for me and that's all I ask for, simplicity. Especially seeing as my life as a mother is less than simple.


My son, Kaleb, was born to myself and my, now ex, partner Shannon on a lovely Autumn morning in late April of 2001. He was 11 days overdue, weighing in at 9lb 1oz (4.1kg) and 55cm long. From the get go he was a fuss free baby. He slept A LOT! He pretty much slept his way through the first 2 months of his life, causing us to have to wake him to feed him or do anything with him. As soon as he was settled again he'd be right back off to sleep again. Every parent's dream right?

 Kaleb, 1 month old.

After the first 2 months though he changed dramatically. All of a sudden he was awake in the morning for hours on end, only having 2 naps during the day. Personally I thought it was great, I actually had a baby I could interact with now rather than a lump that slept, ate and shat all the time.

By 3.5months of age he was army crawling everywhere, I mean if I left him for 2 mins on a baby blanket on the floor, he'd be half way to the front door by the time I got back. Leaving him 4 mins and he'd be at the door, bashing on it as if he wanted out! He also started solids by 3.5 months, having doubled his birth weight in that time to weigh a massive 8.2kg.

 Kaleb, 4 months old

When we got to the 8 month mark he was almost 12kg and up walking around furniture at his leisure, not to mention his napping had decreased to once daily, usually in the morning. He's always slept well at night, never had more than a few nights with him waking and crying, even now.

 Kaleb, 9 months old

When his first birthday came around he was up and walking, even running, weighed 15kg and thriving from what the health professionals told me.

Family Photo, Kaleb 1 year old

But all was not as well as they made out to be. As soon as he was walking, he was everywhere and everywhere at once. When he was watching TV he had to be playing with toys at the same time. He couldn't just sit and watch a Television show all the way through, for eg during an episode of the Wiggles or Hi-5 he'd be up and riffling through his toy box 5 mins into the program. I thought all was fine and all was normal but the older he got the more worried I became.

At the age of 2 I started trying to toilet train him, but no matter how hard we tried, no matter what strategies we implemented he just didn't seem to get the hang of it, so after a solid 7 months of trying I gave up and decided he would let me know when he was ready and I wouldn't push him any longer. This was also around the time that I became really concerned with his speech. By 2.5yrs you should reasonably expect to get a sentence or two out of your child but Kaleb barely strung 2 or 3 words together. He usually indicated what he wanted by pointing and grunting. I would tell him the word and try to get him to parrot it back to me, 80% of the time that worked, but he still wouldn't come up to me and use the words again. At the age of 3 he had a vocabulary of maybe 20 words and was still only putting two or three together at a time. For eg Happy Birthday Nanny would come out as 'Happy Nanny'. 'Nappy's wet' was popular as was 'hungy-mum, food'. He also couldn't carry out simple instructions. Well he could if it was only a one part instruction such as 'pass Mummy the remote'. But if I said 'Kaleb, go to your room and bring me your bag for daycare so I can pack it' he'd get to his room and come wandering back out 15 minutes later empty handed, having completely forgotten what I asked or been side tracked by playing with toys.He'd also stopped having naps during the day so from 6am when he woke up until 7 pm when he went to bed it was go-go-go. He also didn't like to look you in the eye. He'd always look away after a few seconds.

I still didn't know what was wrong, not having any other children I had no point of reference as to what he should or should not be doing. I was concerned that he seemed behind other children of the same age, and I was constantly called by his day-care provider's telling me to come get him or asking me to come and calm him down because they didn't know how to handle him.

By the time he was 4 he was full on. He'd managed to toilet train himself by that stage, but only a month or so before his 4th birthday. It was also around this time that we started having trouble getting him to sleep. Once he was asleep though I'd rarely see him again until morning, it was just the getting him to settle down long enough to actually drift off that was the problem. It would take anywhere from 30 mins to 4 hours to get him to sleep, some nights he didn't get to sleep until well after 11pm. I really think I went a little crazy during those years. I remember sitting on the floor, my head in my hand, crying. I cried a lot during those years of trying to get him down.

Kaleb, showing how old he is on his fingers - 4yrs

I avoided going anywhere that required me to take him with me. It was a nightmare, he'd run off on me constantly or I'd have to strap him into a trolly and deal with him screaming at the top of his lungs to get out!
It also didn't help that I didn't have a car, so anywhere we needed to go involved a bus ride and Kaleb on a bus was torture. He could never sit down for long, always had to be up and running, fidgeting and playing some made up game to entertain himself. I can't even count the number of times I was told by bus drivers to 'control that kid or you'll have to get off'. Controlling a child that can't control himself, piece of cake right? NOT.

We soldiered on, finding somewhat of a routine. He went to day-care 3 days a week until he started pre-school where he'd go to pre-school 5 days a fortnight and day care the other 5.

It wasn't until midway through his first year at school that the possibility of something being 'wrong' was brought to my attention. They had an Occupational Therapist come to the school and do free assessments on the children. The OT picked up that Kaleb had fine and gross motor skill issues and especially a severe lack of concentration and focus. I already knew all this, but I didn't know it was a problem. I spoke to my GP and she referred me to a Paediatrician. We had to wait 3 months for an appointment so Kaleb wasn't seen until 2 weeks before the end of the school year.

 Year 1 school photo, 6 years old.

We walked into the office and Kaleb went straight to the box of toys, tipped them all out and began rifling through them for something to play with before an starting an imaginative game where 2 toys bashed into each other and spoke to each other. Our Paediatrician, Dr Richard Cherry, took one look at him said he could tell right away that Kaleb had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD. He proceeded to do some tests and mentioned the fine motor skill issues, which I was already aware of, and gave me a bunch of leaflets and a list of books to read and said I should look into whether I wanted to medicate him or not then sent me on my way. I was already 80% sure I wanted to give medication a go, being an Aries our solution is always to pop a pill to fix a problem, but Shannon had said flat out that he didn't want Kaleb on medication. I still don't know his reason's behind that statement and I doubt he's going to share it with me now.

I went home feeling let down. All I'd gotten from Dr Cherry was a diagnosis. No help, no advice and no hope. He didn't say 'Sure, your son has ADHD but he can still be a completely normal, functioning member of society so don't worry'. I felt relieved that we finally had a name to give all my concerns , or rather a label, but I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't given any ideas on how to deal with him, not strategies on coping, nothing. I cried myself to sleep that night, not knowing what I could expect from the future or how Kaleb would turn out.

I read through the leaflets he had given me, even the one about ADHD in adults and recognised that it was describing Shannon almost down to a tee. A few days later I mentioned that to him and he said 'I never denied it' and I was like 'WHAT?' never denied having ADHD? Sure, but he'd never mentioned having it either! Maybe if he had, I may have gotten Kaleb tested earlier. But at least we had our diagnosis, and some explanation as to why he has ADHD (apparently it's more often passed from father to son and only 4% of girls get it)

Shannon was still very against medication and started researching food additives and their side effects on children with ADHD. It was actually the first time I'd seen him use the computer for more than downloading movies, music and playing games lol. He was fierce though in his search , he bookmarked pages to show me, sent me links for me to read etc. I was quite shocked, happy and proud.

For 2 weeks we tried adjusting Kaleb's diet. We took notice when he had what we called an 'attack' - basically an instance of extreme hyperactive behaviour and inability to moderate or control himself - and what he'd eaten shortly before these attacks. We then waited a day or two until he was calm again and gave him the same food, to see if it indeed set off another attack. We even deliberately gave him foods with the additives that have shown to cause reactions in children with ADHD. After 2 weeks of Kaleb having no repeat reaction to certain foods Shannon conceded that we couldn't control his ADHD behaviours with diet and that we should try medication and, reluctantly, agreed to give medication a go. Dr Cherry had mentioned that going on the medication didn't have to be forever, we could try it and stop it at any time. So in the end I think that's what helped convince Shannon to give it a try.


I made another appointment with Dr Cherry and managed to see him the day before the end of the school term.. We got a prescription for Ritalin and I filled it that afternoon, starting him immediately on them.

We were to increase his dose gradually over the space of 3 weeks. He started out having 1/2 tablet 3 times per day for a week. Then it went up to 1 whole tablet in the morning then 1/2 twice a day and so on until he was on 3 whole tablets a day.

His last day of school, he was medicated for the first time and his teacher said the change in him was amazing. He sat down and focused at story time, didn't get up off his chair and walk around the room nearly as often and it wasn't as difficult to get him to do something when asked.

I also noticed a major difference in him. He was so much calmer and more attentive, the hyperactive behaviours were still there, just not as unmanageable. He also had an afternoon nap for the first time in years, I actually remember crying when that happened. Silly thing to make me cry but I remember other mothers saying they'd go insane if their child didn't have an afternoon nap. Yes, I think I was going insane!

Even Shannon had to admit that Kaleb was doing great on the medication, he has said to me since that putting him on medication was the best thing I ever did. The difference was that noticeable. He was still very behind his peers in a lot of ways, mainly academically but also emotionally. Where some parents were trusting their kids to walk along side the trolly while shopping I still had to strap him into the child seat, by this stage he'd grown taller and lost his baby fat and was actually a little on the lean side - he has his Dad's lanky body type and height as well as his metabolism, the man couldn't put on weight to save his life. Some have all the luck right?

Kaleb, year 2 school photo.

Over the years we've changed his medication a few times to find the right fit for him and ended up changing from Ritalin to Dexamphetamine. He's been on the Dexy's, as we call them, for almost 2 years now and the only change to his medication has been to decrease it a little. He was on 1 tablet at 8am, 1 at 11am and 1/2 at 3pm 7 days a week. Now he's on 1 at 8am, 1 at 11 and nothing in the afternoon, also he doesn't have any on weekend or school holidays (unless I need to take him somewhere that he needs to be focused, eg to the movies).

He still had a lot of behaviours that couldn't be explained by the ADHD and I just got on with being his Mum and helping him the best way I knew how. After 3 years of bedtime torture In did finally work out that he needed a strict bedtime routine, which included me reading to him. All I had to do was send him for a shower, turn the tv off while he was in the shower, get him dressed for bed and sit with him and read to him for half an hour to calm his brain down before bed and I'd be able to put him into his bed and not see him again until morning! That in itself was a massive break-through.

I changed his school at the beginning of year 3 as we'd moved away from his other school and there was one not a 5 minute walk away. I did the change at the beginning of the school year because I know how much he hates change. Whenever I moved something around, eg furniture, it'd take him weeks to get used to it and stop complaining for me to move it back. Even something as simple as moving the rubbish bin, I'd find he'd put it back in the old place for week after I'd move it.

I also decided that it was time for him to have a little more responsibility, so I walked him to school for the first 2 weeks then let him start walking on his own. There was only one street to cross and a crossing guard there for the children so I felt I could trust him. I still wouldn't trust him to cross a main road, even at the lights though.

I've intuitively known since he was a baby that he needs to be pushed ahead with life lessons etc earlier than most kids. I had him off his bottle at 14 months, dummy was gone by 2yrs and he was catching the school bus (with me taking him to the bus and meeting him in the afternoon) at the end of 2nd grade. He needs to learn these life lessons early on so they can take root in his brain and become everyday occurrence. He has a hard enough time remembering things as it is, so the more things I make 'normal routine' the better he can adapt to them.

At his new school there was talk of him having Asperger Syndrome, his teachers knew he had ADHD but said that didn't explain all his odd behaviours and suggested we do an ASD (Autism Spectrim Disorder) check-list on him. Basically it was a list of traits that are generally exhibited by children with ASD. I did one and so did his teacher. She ticked every box except 4, I ticked every box except 2. That was a pretty definitive answer in my mind, that he had some form of ASD. By this time we were seeing a Psychologist through a government centre so it wasn't too difficult to access the testing needed to get a diagnosis. We'd started seeing the psychologist because I wasn't coping with him well. I needed some help or I was going to go really insane and probably surrender his care to his Dad. I got to the point where I was talking to Shannon about taking on custody of him because I just didn't know what to do anymore, nothing I tried worked and I had no help. Shannon's favourite saying is 'when he's with you, he's you're responsibility. When he's with me he's mine' so he was no help. I felt totally alone, didn't know why he was so difficult and was at a loss as to what to do to help him and myself have a more calm home life.

After doing a very long test, it took 6 hours all up, we got our diagnosis. Kaleb has ADHD and something called PDD-NOS. PDD-NOS stands for Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not otherwise specified. It falls in the Autism Spectrum Disorder category along with Autism, Asperger Syndrome, Rhett's Syndrome and Childhood Disintegrative Disorder. PDD basically means that he displays many traits across all the ASD categories, but not enough of any one to place him into that category. He displays aversion to eye contact, difficulty understanding tone of voice and body language as a way of expressing sarcasm, humour, irony, etc and an inability to take another's perspective (to imagine oneself in someone else's shoes) like Autistic children but also impairment in social interaction and restricted and/or repetitive patterns of behaviour, interests and activities like Asperger kid. I remember our psychologist, Nyomi, also mentioning at girls with Rhetts syndrome like to twirl, so does Kaleb. He has little bits and pieces from all the ASD categories, which is why he was placed in the PDD-NOS category. And, as it says, he has pervasive developmental issues. He finds all aspects of learning difficult, not because he's retarded or of below average intelligence, but because he can't focus long enough to have things explained and having to learn things bores him. He's actually quite intelligent, has an excellent vocabulary for his age and does learn things well when he's motivated to. He just has problems expressing himself and his feelings, understanding how others think or feel and sometimes what they mean when they refer to emotional things or use sarcasm a lot. For eg if I say 'pull your socks up', meaning for him to do better he says 'but I'm not wearing any socks'.

Ok I think I've rambled on long enough for one blog post. It seems like I'm trying to make this into a book doesn't it lol.

I'll write more another time about how Kaleb is I'm sure. For now, here's one last photo.

On a recent holiday we took down south. Jan 2010

Open Secret? What's that all about?

I'll start out by answering the question in the title of this, my first blog. Open Secret is the current title of a book I'm writing. I say current title because it has changed a few times. It started out as 'Secluded Sin', then changed to 'arrrgggggg' and then ' Stupid book with no name' and finally to 'Open Secret'. It's currently around 78,000 words, if you need a comparison to how big it is - Twilight by Stephenie Meyer is 115,362 words and 498 pages long. I don't know how many pages my book is in 'book form' but on my computer it's 138 pages, using MS Word size 11 font. If I put the font up to 12 it's like 150 pages.

People always ask me what my book is about and to be honest it'd take me a few hours to describe it. It's somewhat of a romantic drama but there's going to be supernatural/sci-fi element to it also...and no, it's not about vampires lol. It's about regular people. I guess it's kind of one long blog post by my protagonist and, therefore, is obviously written in first person p.o.v. Auryn is my protagonist's name and she writes everything from her point of view. I've tried to incoporate a lot of her history in the book so it's not starting up from a point in time with an already fully constructed character and you have no background on her. I describe a lot of her history and background by means of conversation between characters, she tells her 'story' to them so therefore we, the readers, learn it also.

I would love to say that I sat down and wrote a plan about how this book would be laid out, wrote idea's down and have pages upon pages of notes. But the truth is I got an epiphany for a book idea one day, sat down at my computer and wrote the first 20 pages over the space of 2 hours. From there it's grown. Sometimes I spend hours, even days writing it. Other times I go months without even looking at it. I don't write notes, I carry a note book with me to write ideas in but I don't write out passages and use them later on. I even carried a netbook laptop in my handbag and written when waiting in doctors surgery's and the like but I am currently in the process of replacing it with a full sized laptop. It's been ordered, paid for and is apparently on it's way to me.

I write when I'm motivated to and 90% of the time I don't even need to think about the direction the book is taking, it just kind of flows out of my head, through my fingers and onto the screen. I've had to sit down and think seriously about where it's going and what might happen, it has a prologue at the beginning that basically describes a situation that, the further you read, the more you realise can't be true, yet somehow it is. This means I know how the book is going to end, I just need to write the rest of it to meet that ending.

I really enjoy writing, I feel I have a more than adequate grasp of the English language and I enjoy using my brain and being creative. If I'm not writing I'm usually making something, cards, crocheted items or cross stitches. I even cook which I see as a form of creation also. I always have to be doing something. I can't just sit around watching tv all the time. I need to have my brain stimulated. I can watch tv, or a movie but I've usually got my latest crochet or cross stitching project in my hands at the same time. It's rare for a movie or a television program to capture enough of my brain's attention that I'll just sit and watch it, ignoring everything else.

If anyone even reads my blog and is interested in reading a section of my book I may post it later on.  I have a few close friends who like to keep up with it and they love it, and I'm hoping they're being honest and not trying to save my feelings lol. So who knows, others might like it too. I didn't start writing it with the intention of writing it to be published, or for anyone else to like. It was purely to get this story out of my head and to do something I enjoy, though now I am thinking I might like to have it published, for no other reason but to have a copy of it on my bookshelf and be able to say to my son 'look, I wrote that book. I did something that was meaningful and worthwhile in my life and if I can, you can' and he can have that book always. To show to his children and even grandchildren. I think that would be nice

My next entry will be a little more about me, and less about the book. I was just searching for a name for my blog and thought why not use my book title. It is now a large part of my life so why not.