ARRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

ARRGGGGGGGGGG!!! I've just had enough tonight.

For some reason I'm really cranky and moody (is it a full moon?) tonight. I can't stand the sound of my son, K's, voice. His constant chatter about inane things. Usually I can fake it, pretend to be interested, or at least pretend to listen, but tonight I just can't. I don't think I've had enough time to myself, not enough 'me' time.

I'm used to having weekends myself, but now I'm working weekends so I get Mon and Tues to myself, but I can't really enjoy my days off because I still  have to be up early in the morning to get K off to school and I only have a set amount of time during the day, the hours he's at school, to do what I want/need to do. It just doesn't feel like enough time. I hate tidying up the house when he's around because the moment he comes home he messes it up again. I used to use Friday arvo/sat morning to do my cleaning, so at least it would stay clean for the weekend. Now I just have no motivation at all to do it.

A good friend, G, suggested that while I'm working (and have the extra cash) to get a cleaner to come in once a fortnight or something. I love this idea but I don't think I could stand it. A stranger in my house, cleaning it when I should have/be? I don't like people in my house when I'm not there, but if the cleaner was here while I was, I couldn't just stand around and do nothing while they worked. I'd feel doubly guilty about it. My Mum was quite O.C.D with cleaning as I was growing up, so that has left with my my own OCD issues, funny enough they don't translate to tidiny my own home. I love organisation, and anti-bacterial products but tidying up just seems like too much some times....well most times.

I think all I really need is a helping hand, someone to motivate/ help me. If K would help me we could get it done in record time and I wouldn't feel so alone and overwhelmed, but he'd fake his own death to get out of cleaning. He's SOOOO lazy, always has been. Trying to make him do something just results in him throwing a tantrum and causes more issues, and still nothing gets done.

I want to crawl into a ball and cry right now. I look around myself and see all the mess and just want to torch it all, or at the very least throw it all out.

I think I need to go lay in bed and have a nice cry.

At least I have dinner made, that's something. I put on a casserole in the slow cooker this morning as K went to school.

I need help, and I'm not sure who to ask for it.. Then there's the fact that I'd be mortified to let anyone in here to see all the mess in order to help me. I'm a total hypocrite, I know this. See, I never care if anyone else's house is a mess and I'd help them clean up at the drop of a hat. I'm known for doing dishes without permission or hanging out laundry if I notice the load is done. I have no problem forcing my help in others, yet don't think I could handle someone helping me. I'm not sure why that is, I know it's an issue I need to work on.....

When I have a problem I get into problem solving mode and it just depresses me when I can't find the help.